The spiritual journey to Becoming is all about learning new things while Re-membering exactly who you are. I can definitely say that my experience has been nothing short of powerful! While I absolutely love this Re-membering and learning all about my Self, it has not always been flattering! In fact, I have been downright pissed off with some of the things that I’ve learned about my(s)elf. Like…who really wants to learn something about themselves that’s less than favorable? That’s some difficult -ish to process, especially if you’re not ready to unpack it! And that’s exactly what happened to me. I was not ready…
Busted wide da F ! open…
So…one evening after I had just finished taking a womb wellness class, I was all excited to do my homework assignment. The assignment was to connect with my womb space using mediation and breath work. The purpose of the assignment was to learn how to utilize the power of the womb to manifest our intentions and desires.
I laid down, placed my womb mudra over my womb space and began breathing. After a few moments of meditative silence and deep womb breaths, I could feel the energy circulating in my womb! Excited! I drew in a few more deep breaths, allowing them to fill my womb space. As I exhaled, I asked my womb to tell me her name. Silence! No response. I was not too disappointed by the lack of response because after all, this is something new I was incorporating in to my life so I was aware that it may take some time to really tune in and connect to my womb. However not wanting to feel defeated, I continued to lay there breathing and speaking lovingly into my womb. I asked my womb her name once more. Suddenly, I felt a twinge of energy in my womb space. Then I heard a soft and gentle voice respond….Lilith! Oh My Goddess….my womb’s name is Lilith! In that moment, I was so excited that I jumped up, grabbed my cellphone and began researching the Goddess “Lilith!”
As I searched for articles on the Goddess Lilith, my excitement began to diminish quickly. I started to become very sad and then angry. The articles that I found about the Goddess Lilith were absolutely mortifying! I even put my phone down and got on my laptop to read the articles, hoping that that would somehow magically erase what I had previously read on my cellphone.
Although the origins of the Goddess Lilith are shrouded in mystery, article after article depicted her as this dangerously dark figure of uncontrolled sexuality who traveled on the wings of demons, stealing babies and fertilizing herself with male sperm to give birth to other demons. There are so many myths regarding the exact identity of Lilith. According to mythology, she was the original woman created before Eve. She was purported to be Adam’s first wife. However, it is believed that because Lilith felt that she was created equally, from the same dust as Adam, that she did not need to submit to him. Refusing to be submissive to Adam, sexually or otherwise, Lilith was kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Some myths also suggest that Lilith returned to the Garden of Eden, in serpent form, to trick Eve in to convincing Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. Regardless of her origins, Lilith has constantly been demonized.
Lilith…a demon…Say what now? Da fvck you mean a demon?
After a few hours of searching and reading about 20 articles or so, I just sat there in disbelief immediately rejecting my dark! How could MY womb, the seat of MY soul, My Knowing….be named Lilith? The narcissistic ego in me could not, would not… just simply refused to accept this! MY ego did not allow me to accept this inherent darkness. So, of course, I got back on my laptop and continued to search until I found at least one article that “I” – MY ego felt was befitted of who “I”- MY ego thought “I” was. Because after all, “I” simply could not be Lilith!
The article I finally found described Lilith as a dark goddess who speaks from deep feminine attunement to the mysteries of the life-death-rebirth cycle. The source of her wisdom and power is hidden, subtle and sacred. Now that depiction of Lilith was something that “I” – MY ego, could accept. And therein lies the problem…I was trying to soothe my ego by rationalizing, covering up and hiding the true essence of my darkness. I was running from MY darkness but why?
Society, family, culture, religion, etc. teaches us to fear the dark because that’s where the demons, bad spirits, devils, monsters, boogeyman, evil folks, etc. lurk…therefore, we must avoid the dark at all cost! It’s scary! It’s too wicked! This myth creates duality and dissonance because it teaches us to avoid the inherent parts of ourselves. When we ignore and avoid parts of ourselves we create an alternate world, a “safe” world…one that is more acceptable yet more damaging. We naively believe this world keeps us protected because it gives us the ability to hide behind the veil. However, it’s actually an illusion that becomes our disservice and can ultimately destroy us.
Damn! You meant to tell me that all of this time I was living an illusion.
I was operating under the guise of empowerment when in fact I was afraid of my true Power…my Light…MY SELF!
Now, I am completely broken…
Enter Goddess Lilith…
So…they say that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. That’s why Lilith showed up! Apparently, I was ready because Bay-Bay….Lilith showed up in all her amazing and dark glory! And when I tell you she hit, she hit me hard too! I felt a pain that I had not ever felt before. She brought that fi-yah…that soul stirring pain…that heart breaking, gut wrenching pain…BUT it was necessary! It was The Crucible…
Lilith can be a quite uncomfortable Goddess to have contact with. She will show you your shadow and all the things we like to hide from and/or hide within. For many of us darkness brings up the scary unknown! And Lilith challenges us with what we fear most, what we haven’t embraced, what we’ve buried so deeply or swept under the rug and tried to forget. Lilith also represents the deeper, darker fear we have of women. Our sexuality and magic has been stolen, repressed and subjected to the severest and most inhumane controls dating all the way back to slavery and still remains present in today’s patriarchal society.
This complex combination of dark mixed with societal narratives, ancestral conditioning, DNA disruptors, familial values, cultural mores, spells, projections, all fighting against internal Spirit Knowing contributes the dissonance that we experience…that I was experiencing. It also prevent us from being able to move from a place of Love. It keeps us from accessing that authentic Light that resides within all of us.
Lilith appeared to teach me that because I had resided in this optical illusion of light so long, my perspective and perception of who I am was real. It had become distorted. My eye, third, was not focused on the Light. I had been tricked and I was seeing things incorrectly. This distortion was causing me to operate from a wounded space of inauthenticity. This wounded space caused a trickle down effect; creating dissension, DIS-ease, disease and imbalance in every dimension in my life.
She also taught me that Light is born out of darkness. Lilith was my womb! And just like a baby in their mother’s womb, I was being nurtured! I was developing. I was being pushed…contracted to travel through the deep and dark birth canal towards the Light. I was being (RE) born. And just like that, it hit me! I began to realize that I was not just the good “acceptable” depiction of Lilith, but rather I was both…the light and the dark! I was two rivers integrating so that I could become that witch I AM!
Integration of the dark and light….
We must dig deep into the shadows of our soul, to the roots, in order to find the source of our darkness, fears, traumas, anxieties, etc. When we do, we stand face-to-face with the undercurrent of our dark essence that needs to be acknowledged and healed. We also generate a major universal shift in the collective consciousness and human “being” of the Divine feminine.
The darkness of our psyche holds the greatest potential for healing and growth. When we fully enter into the darkness, boundaries and limitations expand by dissolving our self, (small s) i.e. resistance, fears, anxieties, traumas, etc. The ego dies and we find freedom. We become! Lilith reminded me that it was time for me to get back to the heart of my Self (big S) by embracing those things that were deeply rooted in my primal brain so that I could begin to unfold.
I am no longer afraid of the dark in fact…
Like Lilith, I too have been shrouded in mystery, misunderstood, unfairly cast down and destroyed by family, friends, etc. because they did not understand my free spirit, my values, my beliefs, my audacity, my different. I have been the target of rage, shame, guilt, frustration, etc. because I choose to stand in my authenticity and truth. I am not conventional nor do I care to conform to mainstream patriarchy, societal, cultural, familial, religious, etc. -ish! For many, who I AM is too dark! It’s too scary! It’s too uncomfortable! It disrupts their “normal,” whatever that is. Their discomfort with me created, intended and unintended, layers of trauma which became the root of my darkness.
Although my journey to and with Lilith has been a very dark, messy, sometimes scary and painful one, I now love and embrace the Goddess Lilith within me! I AM so grateful that she showed up in my life! I AM grateful that she is apart of me! No bandaid, salve, tincture, or gauzes can cover our gaping wounds. There isn’t a quick fix! No add water and poof …I’m healed! Nor will smudging, readings, spiritual books, crystals, religion, church, faith leaders, pastors, gurus, healers, prayers, etc. alone fix it. WE have to take action! We have to make the journey, often times alone, in order to be transformed into our greatest Self!
“The Lilith in us will accept nothing less than our true individuality, not in the sense of separateness, but in the sense of who we are intrinsically. When we are secure in acknowledging and expressing our true Self, we no longer falsify ourSelves in order to be accepted by others because who we are is more than enough!” ~Unknown
While I AM certainly not a dark figure of uncontrolled sexuality who travels on the wings of demons, stealing babies and fertilizing myself with male sperm to give birth to other demons. I AM definitely Lilith! I own HER…unapologetically! She is my muse for female empowerment, authenticity, and the act of reclaiming the dark parts of my Self that are vital for living free and unapologetically – no fear, no guilt, no regrets, at all cost.
And I shall live…for I simply cannot embody anything else!
Giving thanks to The Most High! For everything Spirit does is Good! And now, I sit in gratitude and humility for this Knowing and Being Lilith… I AM!